Saturday, May 29, 2010

Dead Man's Party

On the afternoon of the world's most epic rave, Betsy and I hike up to a nearby convenience store for big beers at half the cost charged by the resort. She tells me about two female guests she met who were walking along this exact same spot after a night of partying when a thief on a moped snatched their purses and sped away. A brutal fact: beautiful Koh Phangan is a robbers' paradise of easy pickings, and the reveling, self-impaired Full Moon horde itself is infiltrated by predators of every stripe. So, into the office safe go laptop, purse and other valuables; at the party, my zippered pockets will protect cameras and wallet, I am certain.

The Full Moon Party is in full swing when we taxi in to Haad Rin around 10:30 ... but you'd almost never know it. So adept are the locals at staging this riot, there is virtually no traffic jam; the taxis have it all perfectly coordinated. Past the front gate, along the lane that leads to the shops and eateries, we hear almost nothing but the muted boom-boom-boom of bass speakers in the distance. We see a fair turnout of people, but not the crushing horde I expected. And then we take a side path down to the beach.

I am instantly glad I came.

Picture tens of thousands of undulating, day-glo painted, bucket-carrying, hands-in-the-air party-goers, bouncing up and down to the 19 different mega-sound systems blasting dance mixes out across the Gulf of Thailand. This spectacle of laser lights, fire twirlers and youthful incandescence extends for three-quarters of a mile in either direction, covering all sand from surf to tree line.

Fuel for this party rocket is sold literally by the bucket: For anywhere between 100 and 300 baht, you get a child's sand pail that contains a pint of vodka or whiskey, two cans of Red Bull, a splash of Coke or Sprite, and several straws for sharing. One bucket is enough to keep you cranked up till sunrise; hardly anyone stops at one.

Everyone makes friends easily at the Full Moon Party. Betsy and Warren run across some people they met a few nights ago, and everyone dances and parties together.

Even I make a new friend: an attractive Thai woman wants to dance, and she is very friendly: she plants both hands on my ass, pulls me in close and we start doing some nasty bumping. Hey, this is a lot of fu--

Both hands on my ass! I reach around to my back pocket. Wallet, gone!

Instantly I wrap my other arm around this thief's waist to keep her from bolting. She drops to the ground and scrambles madly in the sand for something, but I get there first and snatch back my rattlesnake-skin wallet, a gift from dear friends.

"Nice try, doll!" I growl as she disappears into the crowd.

I stand up, clutching my wallet in one hand and my now-empty bucket in the other. "Hey, you o.k.?" someone asks. I must be pop-eyed with adrenaline. I fight my way out of the mob to a nearby convenience store, where I feel safe enough to put my wallet where it should have been all along: in the money belt stuffed securely down the front of my pants.

That is the end of buckets, beer and all other libation for this evening. But I will have no trouble staying awake. For hours I replay this close call, and shudder. The only thing that saved me was the zippered pocket; it caused her to take too long, and I caught on.

A while later, another young nubile wants to dance up close, but this time I feel her fingers probing the zippered front pocket that holds Betsy's camera. I check the move and she darts off. Amazing!

If I ever attend another Full Moon Party, I intend to have a decoy wallet in place for the first Artful Dodger cutie-pie who wants to play grab-ass. I'll grab, too. Later, when she opens the wallet, she can read my note: "Dear Evil Pickpocket: I totally felt you up tonight and you got nothing. Thanks!"

---

The rave has lost its magic, so I wander back up to the shops along the lane that leads to the exit. It is close to 3 a.m. by now, so I buy a fruit crepe, sit down on the sidewalk and observe the March of the Inebriates. Some are staggering, others are supported on either side by friends, a few are carried out feet first. At one point I head for the shuttle buses myself, ready to call it a night. But no -- I don't want to leave without Warren and Betsy, who I lost in the crowd a long time ago, and I kind of want to make it to the sunrise. So I walk back down to the beach.

The party is getting old. Many bodies collapsed on the sand, presumably picked over by the carnivores. I watch a fist fight, which spectators break up quickly. The sun comes up, I catch a taxi back to the resort and get ready to check out for the long ferry and bus ride back to Bangkok.

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